Back in high school, I wanted to actually write a memoir. I knew that I wouldn't have been able to really start doing that until later in life, since nothing had really happened to me yet at the young, naive age of 16. But I started compiling all of my various journal entries in preparation. My life from 6th grade through my freshman year of college fills up 48 pages...almost a little novella! Excluding entries that I dubbed "not memoir material," I combed through my LiveJournal, DeadJournal, MindSay, Xanga, and my two written journals (which I typed) and organized them all so they they would read in chronological order. It is basically the whole history of me, which may seem pretty neat, but I actually try not to look through that document...I wasn't the happiest of teenagers and it's hard to read. My husband has never read any of it, but he hates when I skim through it, which I only tend to do when I'm feeling lost.
I have since changed my mind, I definitely do not want to write a memoir. But I think it would be fun to write a fiction novel, and as many authors do, include parts of my life in it, including the journal entries. Maybe it will be a young adult book, and my diary entries can help another lost teenage soul. I would hope to be someone like Sarah Dessen, who's young adult books I still read because they have an amazing ability to still make sense in my life. (They are all amazing and I highly recommend them!)
I used to write poems in high school and I loved writing them. Most of them rhymed, because I loved the idea of manipulating words to fit that parameter and have it still make sense and flow perfectly. I remember exactly when I stopped, it was before I finished the poem "A Heartbeat." I couldn't seem to figure out how to finish it so I didn't write anything for a while. I believe it was one of my high school boyfriends that inspired me enough to finish it, and so I did. But I never wrote anything after that. It's like I just ran out of ideas.
Maybe I should take a creative writing course. I wanted to in college, but I never did. (If I donated a nickel every time I thought or said the phrase "I wanted to, but never did," I would be dirt poor.) I am so terrified of failing that I never try anything. And I'm here to tell you, it is a sad way to live life. The best thing I ever did was fall in love and believe in my husband's love enough to know that I wanted to spend my life with him. I could have done what I did with every relationship I had previously and run away because I was terrified of having them realize that I wasn't good enough for them. As it turns out, I'm pretty sure I really could do anything I wanted as long as I put my whole heart in it, as I did Dan.
As for writing a book? Maybe someday. I have one page written, and it is actually a scene in a bathroom. I bought this little book that is basically a writer's muse and it has little ideas, stories, pictures, words, to help a writer along. And one of them told me to write a scene that takes place in the bathtub, where the character thinks about his/her life. And I was able to see my scene perfectly and I am pretty happy with it. I just don't know where she goes from there, I don't know what her story is yet, which is why I haven't written anymore. But I think about her a lot, which I guess is a good sign.
I would still love to write a book.
